Straight To Voicemail

Heartbreak is temporary — It’s one of the most painful things you’ll ever go through, regardless of whether you’re a man, woman or non-conforming but, like all forms of pain, it passes and you heal. That’s something Ashley probably would’ve liked to hear as she forked more spaghetti into her wailing mouth, eyeliner running down her face while she listened to the playlist her ex made to commemorate their third anniversary.

“Eight years,” she thought, “Eight years, two degrees, a new job and countless other memories and he just walked out on all of it, like it meant nothing.”

She started to sob.

What made things worse was the fact that he didn’t even really dump her. He just started acting strange and very distant. He stopped visiting her place and whenever she tried to go see him, the guards at the entrance of his complex would tell her that he wasn’t there. On one occasion, they did it right after she had seen him pulling in. She was two cars behind, elated at the hope of finally seeing her man but, when she got to the gate, they told her he wasn’t there.

“That’s literally his car,” she had said, pointing at it from outside the gate.

The guard remained expressionless as he delivered a monotonous “Sorry, sister.”

He didn’t even turn to look at where she was pointing.

“There’s nothing to be sorry for, that’s him!” She frustratedly said and the guard simply shrugged. She tried calling him to get him to come fetch her from the gate but it went straight to voicemail, so all she could do was drive away.

When she finally got to ask him about it, he blamed the guards.

“They’re incredibly incompetent,” he said, “all they do is sit there waiting for someone who’s naive enough to turn into their cash cow!”

“Are you saying they were just looking for a bribe?” Ashley asked.

“Yeah,” he assured her, “That’s all.”

The calls they shared every day started to become a rare occurrence and even when he did pick up, he seemed aloof. He would ignore her texts and post cryptic WhatsApp statuses that mainly focused on how important it is to know when you’re no longer wanted and he offered ‘keys’ on moving on. Then one day, at a friend’s braai, someone started laughing because of something they had seen on his WhatsApp status. Everyone jumped to check their own phone for the update and cackled along while she sat in shock as she realised that she couldn’t view his statuses anymore.

“You’re so lucky to have such a funny boyfriend,” they kept saying and she nodded and smiled along, even though she didn’t know what was happening.

“Are you sure him and I are fine?” She had asked Malcolm later that evening.

He was her boyfriend’s best friend so she was sure that if anyone would know what was up, it would be him.

“Yeah,” Malcolm assured her, “he’s just had a lot on his plate. Even I haven’t seen much of him these days!”

“You’re right, he does! I’m just being stupid.”

“You really are,” Malcolm joked, “no one loves anyone the way you two love each other!”

She allowed herself to be overcome by relief as she ended the call that evening. She believed Malcolm. After all, he wasn’t just her boyfriend’s best friend, he was also dating her best friend, Nicole, and as far as Ashley was concerned, no one had her back more than Nicole. Then, one day, without warning, her boyfriend simply changed his Facebook status to ‘single’.

People swarmed her phone with questions on what had happened before she even got to see the post and when she did, her heart dropped to the floor upon seeing him tell people that “things just weren’t working out anymore” in the comments section of the post.

“What wasn’t working out?” She wondered, “and why couldn’t he talk this out with me?”

Those questions would remain unanswered as he blocked her on everything that very same day.

“He did what?!” Her mother said as Ashley relayed what had happened later that evening during a phone call.

Ashley had dreaded the idea of even telling her mom because she knew her reaction would be dramatic. This was the one boyfriend she had really liked; the only one to ever be allowed to sleepover at her place. She was always telling Ashley that he was nothing like her deadbeat of a father.

“What did you do to him baby?”

Ashley froze, unsure of how to answer her mother’s question.

“Michael’s not the type of man who would just leave. He’s a good boy, a strong man. You must’ve done something to drive him to the edge!”

That’s when it clicked for Ashley. In the last few months she had done everything she could to ensure that the relationship lasts. She had called, texted, tried to visit, sent gifts, asked friends for advice… EVERYTHING. She genuinely put her all into saving the relationship but all her efforts didn’t work because Michael didn’t want them to — because he didn’t want her.

“I’m not you!” She snapped.

Her mother who had been laying on her side, watching TV as they spoke, sat up in shock.

“Excuse me?” 

“You heard me mom,” Ashley responded, “Michael broke my heart. Do you get that or do you simply not care? I’ve done nothing but love him since the day I agreed to be his, him and only him. I don’t deserve to be treated the way he’s treating me.”

“Ashley I -…”

“No, let me finish!” Ashley firmly asserted, “You may think that you did something to deserve being left in the dust, broke with a battered heart and a a two-month-old baby you had no means of supporting but I know I don’t deserve this and, frankly, anyone who thinks I do doesn’t deserve me.”

She hung up before her mother could respond and proceeded to put her phone on airplane mode. Then, in the stillness of that moment, she realised how badly she needed a drink.

“Sitting here, feeling sorry for myself just isn’t going to cut it,” she thought, “I need to hit the club.”

She got up and went to her room to change, caught her reflection in the mirror and burst out laughing.

“Thank God no one else is here to see this,” she thought.

Then a wave of sadness unexpectedly hit as she realised what that meant — no one was there. She was all she had.

She crawled into bed and wept.

Her alarm woke her up the next morning: a warm, beautiful Saturday. She didn’t want to get out of bed but also felt like staying in it would make her feel horrible so, she dragged herself to the bathroom. She looked worse, she realised, when she looked at her reflection in the mirror. Her eyes were extremely puffy and she just looked sick and pale. She splashed water onto her face and without looking, grabbed one of the face wash gels and squirted it onto her palm. Her gels were clear with exfoliating granules in them but the one she was looking at in the palm of her hand was blue, she flipped the container over, ‘For Men’ the label read.

She could feel her insides churning as rage started to boil inside of her.

She chucked the whole gel into her bathroom bin and violently swung the tap open so she could rinse her hands clean. As the gel bubbled in her hand, spreading all over it the way all soap is meant to, so did her rage multiply. She started rinsing with so much vigour that it looked like she was trying to wash the memory of Michael out of her life.

She marched out of the bathroom, her feet loudly banging on the floor as she walked and returned with a black refuse bag that she filled up with every single product that was labelled ‘For Men’ in her bathroom. When she was done with there, she marched into the bedroom, flung her closet doors open and started emptying her closet of anything that reminded her of him. His clothes, shoes, the rugby shirt he had given her after being told he wouldn’t be able to play the sport anymore due to a fatal injury he got during an InterVarsity game, the bag he bought from a cute stall in Thailand when they vacationed there with Malcolm and Nicole three years ago, the dress she had specifically bought for his graduation along with the lingerie set she had surprised him with that night, all of it was packed into black bags.

Then, after a long shower, which was made long by the cry breaks she took in between actually cleansing her body, she put everything in the boot of her car and dropped it off at the nearest shelter.

“These are all some pretty high quality clothes, are you sure you don’t just want to go sell them?” One of the shelter co-ordinators asked as the clothes were being unpacked.

“Aren’t you meant to be looking out for the best interests of the people who live here?” Ashley responded, her eyebrow raised.

The co-ordinator blushed in embarrassment , “That came out wrong. I didn’t mean to sound so gluttonous.”

“I think you said exactly what you mean,” Ashley said, leaving the co-ordinator speechless.

“Anyway, I’ve done my part. Hopefully, you also do yours,” she said before actually leaving.

She felt a strong sense of fulfilment as she entered into her car. She was trying really hard not to fool herself into thinking she’d just be fine but at that moment, she felt really good. A feeling that unfortunately didn’t last as she saw Michael’s car pulling up to the very shelter she was parked in front of. 

A girl she didn’t recognise was sitting in the front seat and she wasn’t the only person in the car with him, they were also with Malcolm and Nicole. They were laughing like a pair of old friends, with a kind of intimacy Ashley was all too familiar with, as they got out of the car. She could tell the laughs were genuine too, and it made her heart ache all over again. 

“That used to be us,” she sadly thought.

The co-ordinator she had just told off suddenly appeared in front of her with a huge smile plastered on his face.

“There you are!” He said gleefully.

He was about to say something else but was interrupted by someone calling out to him.

“Keegan!” The girl who had been sitting in Michael’s front seat suddenly shouted.

The co-ordinator turned around and motioned to let her know that he just needed a minute.

He turned to face Ashley who was turning pale again from the anxiety of not knowing what to do. At that moment, Nicole noticed her and they made eye-contact. Ashley watched as Nicole’s smile into a mortified glare.

 “I’m glad I caught you because I don’t know how else I would’ve contacted you. Could you please lower the window?”

Nicole turned away, hanging her head in shame as Ashley lowered her window.

“You left this among some of the clothes,” Keegan said before holding out something that made Ashley break out in laughter.

Keegan scratched his head in confusion.

“I’m sorry. It’s just… three years ago my boyfriend, well… ex lost his wallet while we were in Thailand and he made the biggest deal out of it. See, he claimed he had given the wallet to me but I precisely remembered myself giving it back to him but he denied it and even went as far as  asking me ‘How do you intend on being a good mother if you can’t even take care of a simple wallet?’”

“Seriously?” The co-ordinator, who had been listening intently as Ashley told the story, chimed in.

“Yup.”

“What’s taking so long?” Michael asked, prompting Keegan and Ashley to turn to look at him. His smug expression died the moment he realised who Keegan was talking to.

“You can actually just walk over there and give it to him. It’s not like I need it anyway,” she said before driving away.

Keegan turned to look at the group in confusion, unsure of who the “him” was.

“Finally!” Ms. Front-seat exclaimed, “now come meet my friends!”

“Uh… I’m sure you guys saw the smoking hot chick who just drove off…”

Michael clenched his jaw in evident annoyance as Keegan spoke.

“She, uh…” he held the wallet out, “came in to donate some items today and I found this, amongst her things. I had rushed out here to-…”

Michael walked towards him, disbelief plastered all over his face as he took the wallet from Keegan’s hands.

“Ah,” Keegan said, “you’re ‘him’.”

“What’s going on babe?” Ms. Front Seat asked, walking towards the two.

Michael swiftly tucked the wallet into one of the inner pockets of his blazer.

“Oh nothing sis,” Keegan responded with a sarcastic smile, “your babe’s ex was just dropping off his things.”

“Look… I don’t know what Ashley told you but-…”

“Ashley?” Keegan said, clearly still mesmerised, “I thought she looked more like a ‘Meghan’ or a ‘Britney’ but, now that you mention it, ‘Ashley’ seems just right.”

“What the… are you crushing on her or what?!”

“Oh, I definitely am! Definitely! But, that shouldn’t be a problem since you’re dating my sister,” he held out a hand for Michael to shake, intent and satisfaction written with the smug expression he was wearing on his face.

Michael, entranced by his own rage, simply stood there frozen.

“Babe!” His girlfriend yelled, snapping him out of the trance.

He shook Keegan’s hand.

Ashley’s next stop was at a small corner cafe where she picked up a large coffee and a moist slice of triple-chocolate cake. She took her order to-go as she still had other errands to run. She stopped by the grocery store to pick up a few groceries and looooooots of wine. Her final stop was at her hair salon where she told the stylist, “Surprise me” and walked out with a new hair colour and a new air about her. When she got home, she realised that her phone had been on airplane mode for that entire day so she switched it back and her phone instantly rang. 

It was Nicole.

Messages she had received while airplane mode was on started popping up on her screen as she was watching the phone ring.

Neighbour: Are you home? Need Sugar.

Ayanda: I heard about the breakup. Here if you need to talk – love & light.

Nicole: I can explain. It’s not what it looks like.

Nicole: Can we meet?

Mom: I hope you feel better today. Call me later please xx

Malcolm: Please call Nicole.

Nicole: Please answer me.

Nicole: Please

Then the phone stopped ringing. 

She let out a sigh, feeling immense relief and decided that it was time to talk to her mom again. The dial tone hadn’t even completed its first ring when her mother picked up.

“Hey,” she said with a voice that had clearly been sprained by crying, “I was beginning to think you were done with me too.”

Ashley laughed, “Never.”

“Listen Ashley, I’m sorry for the way I handled last night. I wasn’t being the mother you needed me to be and you were right, it’s because of the way things went between your father and I. I loved that man Ashley, more than anything else and evidently, even more than I loved myself because I would’ve had more pride if I gave myself even an inch of the love I gave him,” she paused to blow her nose, “it breaks my heart to realise how much of a bad mother I’ve been to ev…-

“Let me stop you there… you’re not a bad mom!” Ashely firmly said, “You just gave me some bad advice.”

“We weren’t raised in the same era mommy, and I’m not going to hold the teachings of your time against you,” she continued, affirming her mother who instantly broke down, “you were conditioned to believe that a woman’s worth is derived from her proximity to a man. Every woman who’s your age was. What matters is that you know you were wrong and you’re here now and,” she joined in on the crying, “I wouldn’t be the woman I am if you weren’t you!”

“Are you saying you get the pride from me?” Her mom asked and they both started laughing.

“Now let’s stop with all the crying!” Ashley said, wiping her face clean, “you’ll never believe what I saw today!” 

She went on to tell her mom how she’d seen Nicole with Michael and Ms. Front Seat and about the wallet and how above all, she was just going teach herself accept her new normal.

Her phone suddenly beeped, letting her know that she was getting another call. it was Michael.

She had gone for so long without seeing that name pop up on her screen that shock paralysed her.

“Ashley? You still there?” Her mother called out.

“Yes, Michael’s calling me.”

“Oh. Are you going to pick up?”

“No, it’s okay,” she said, “I’ll block him when we’re done with this call so his can start going straight to voicemail.”

They spent the rest of that call laughing and the feeling of fulfilment returned in Ashley’s heart. She wasn’t sure why but she knew that it was there to stay.