You should never confront your partner for cheating if you’re not prepared to leave them for it. That’s something I wish someone had told me before I confronted Athi with the evidence my friends had gathered for me.
“I fucked her,” he said folding his newspaper to put it away so he could talk to me without any distractions, “I have been fucking her for about three months and I’m not planning to stop anytime soon.”
My throat dried up.
I was expecting him to deny it… I expected to have a long fight with tears and to have him begging me to forgive him before I storm out and go cry about how stupid I’ve been these past eight months, I expected him to call my friends “nosy bitches” and push his coffee mug off the kitchen counter in intense frustration. I was expecting him to fight for us… for me!
I expected conflict of any kind and instead, he was looking at me with an expression that read “Are we done?”
“That’s all you have to say?” I asked with a wall of tears quickly beginning to build in my eyes.
“Is that all you wanted to know?” he nonchalantly responded.
I was shocked.
“I guess it is,” he said and then he took his newspaper and coffee mug and walked out of the kitchen.
This had been my longest real relationship. Eight months might be nothing to some people but I had never cared about a relationship as much as I cared for this one, I had never even cared about any other man as much as I cared about him. The first time I met him I was jogging around the block rapping along to fire by Jozi and he stopped me to ask me to send it to him via Whatsapp.
“That used to be my jam,” he had said laughing, I remember admiring how beautiful his smile was in my thoughts ,and being really embarrassed that that was how he was going to remember me: sweaty with dry lips and barely any eyebrows.
“Jozi was the Big Bang for the culture of South African Hip Hop,” he said excitedly, “no disrespect to Skwatta Kamp but Jozi came through and started influencing the youth on a much wider level. Remember AmaKip Kip?”
I nodded like an idiot and he laughed.
“My name is Athi by the way,” he let out a hand so I could shake it.
“I’m super sweaty,” I awkwardly said stepping away from it.
“Well then… Nice to meet you Super sweaty!”
My cheeks turned red with embarrassment, “I meant my palms… My palms are super sweaty. My name is Asanda.”
“Asanda amantoni?” he asked suddenly staring into my eyes with an intensity that made me feel like he was thinking about doing things to me… things that I wouldn’t mind him doing to me.
I felt the flutter of butterflies in my tummy and was suddenly nervous.
“I don’t know,” I responded looking away, even though I knew my name was Asand’amaDiba. I expected him to walk away after that. The song was in his phone and I had sort of destroyed the chemistry that was building but he was still standing there.
“Where are you from?” he asked and I could still feel the burn of his eyes on my body.
“I’m from around. I actually live two buildings down from here.”
He looked counted the buildings with his eyes then looked back at me, “Would you mind if I saved your number?”
I looked at him and smiled, “No, go ahead.”
And he had started texting me the moment I walked away from him.
I could tell you about how he planned dates I would never forget; a picnic on the rooftop of his apartment building on Valentine’s Day where we finished a bottle of Henny by ourselves and he fucked me under the stars or when he took me on a hot air balloon ride with a violinist on my birthday.
I could tell you about how my insecurities seemed to melt away when I was in his presence and I finally believed I could have found the one but that all doesn’t matter now. He had been cheating on me for three or even more months.
“So you just had your friends following me and taking pictures of me for the past few days?” he said coming back into the kitchen. He didn’t have the cup and the newspaper with him but he had picked up an attitude on his way back.
“Don’t stand there and look at me like I’m the one who did something wrong,” I said shaking my head. The tears which had been burning my eyes finally erupted onto my cheeks, “I’m not the one who has been cheating.”
“Really?” he asked folding his arms.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You ran to your friends and asked them something you could’ve asked me! You made our business theirs!” he yelled.
“I asked you what was wrong two weeks ago and you said ‘Nothing’!”
“That’s because nothing is wrong with us!” he said softly.
He tried to pull me towards him but I pushed him away then my knees buckled and I let myself fall. I started crying.
He knelt in front me and wrapped his arms around me.
“See what your friends did?” he said.
“No!” I shoved him with intense aggression and it seemed to knock the air out of him. He sat down facing me, with his legs spread out in front of him.
“You did this!” I continued to yell, weeping like a first grader who just fell off a swing.
“I have never cheated on you Athi,” I continued, “I’ve never even thought about cheating on you… and so publicly? Shit you might as well walked around with a sign that read ‘ I don’t give a fuck about my girlfriend’.”
“You don’t think I give a fuck about you?”
“You obviously don’t!” I screamed.
He pulled me towards him with my ankles.
“Leave me alone!” I screamed trying, and failing, to kick him off.
Within moments his forehead was pinned against mine and his hands were wiping my tears away. This may sound stupid because he was the reason I was crying, but having him there with me was comforting.
“So I fucked her,” he said pulling me closer and even though my ass was on the ground I was practically sitting on him, with my legs around his waist.
“I am fucking the girl but that’s all she is to me, a fuck buddy! You mean more,” he gave me a soft peck on my lips, I tried to retreat but he tightened his grip around me.
“You’re so much more special to me baby,” he kissed me again, all I did was wince.
“You’re my queen,” he whispered before kissing my neck. I felt a slight throbbing on my clit and my panties were quickly becoming soaked.
I wanted to pull back but I also wanted this… I wanted to feel him worshipping my body to affirm me that I was what he wanted.
“My other half,” he said ripping my wife beater apart before slipping me out of my bra in a single move.
I don’t know if it was the fresh breeze or if my body was receiving the wrong message from my brain but I arched my back so he could easily clasp his warm lips around my solid nipples. I was already softly moaning and grinding on top of him so he could feel as titillated as I did. I pushed his upper body onto the floor so I could start dry humping him and when I felt his manhood poking against me, I got up and ripped the remaining clothes off the both of us. In my head, I thought I was showing him how stupid it was to leave me and what he’d be missing out on if he did.
I rode him till he begged me not to stop in his high pitched ‘a nut is on the way voice’ and when he nutted, I pulled him back up into the sitting position and kissed him passionately.
I thought I was showing him that I was enough, but it didn’t work because he came back with a hickie on his chest a few days later.
I saw it as he jumped into bed in just his boxers… he didn’t even respect me enough to cover his tracks anymore.
“What is this?” I asked filled with rage as I stared at the mark. I felt like I could hear the voice of the girl who had left it on me mocking me. How dare she mark her territory on my man?
“Sne got a little kinky when we were fucking in the morning,” he replied.
‘Sne?’ I repeated in my mind… the girl suddenly had a name.
“So this is how things are going to be now?” I asked softly, “you’re just going to start coming home with hickies and expect me no to feel hurt by your actions?”
“You already know I have a fuck buddy. I told you I don’t plan to stop fucking her anytime soon. I don’t know why you’re acting shocked,” he calmly said and then he turned off his bedside lamp and went to sleep.
I got up and went to cry in the bathroom. I was in there for hours, letting all my pain out and when I was done I slipped my pills out from the secret compartment I kept them in under the sink and I poured three out. I put them next to the sink then I looked at myself in the mirror.
I am a very beautiful girl. I have always thought myself to be a beautiful woman but my self-esteem has always been crushed by the people around me. All the men I ever fell for cheated on me and disrespected me in ways that made me feel like I wasn’t enough; like I wasn’t worthy of love. My mom was a drug addict who told me I would never amount to anything and my father agreed with her… If only they would see me now.
I live in a great apartment with a man who makes six digits. I get spoiled on the regular and he told me I was his queen. If I left him, I would really be nothing, but in a few months when he starts to feel weak and he gets the results of that test he was going to come beg me for forgiveness and truly treat me like a queen. He was going to regret cheating on me and never talk to any of the women he had been cheating with again.
I popped the pills; two were for the headache I had given myself with all the crying and one was an ARV.